After my last post, I had a decision to make: to chemo or not to chemo. After talking to friends and family and finding as much research as I could, I decided not to chemo. In the weeks after that, I was starting to feel better, I was getting out and hiking a little and trying to get my energy back to return to teaching. In my head, this was all behind me (at least for a while) and I was looking forward to getting back to my pre-giant-tumor life. Well, it did not work out that way.
Because my tumor is rare, was large, grew really fast, etc my doctor wanted to present it at something called "tumor board." Tumor board is where a bunch of different cancer doctors get together and discuss cases. I did not know things like this happened, I find it interesting/neat, it is my doctor getting second opinions instead of me having to. Apparently, at tumor board, all the doctors told my doctor that I should really reconsider not doing chemo. I guess they said that since my tumor was so large and it burst, sending cancer cells throughout my abdomen, it would be a mistake to not try and kill any errant cells. They convinced him enough that he called me back in to have another conversation about chemo.
I received a call on March 4 saying "you need to come in so we can revisit chemo" and we made an appointment for the following Tuesday. That gave me a weekend to think about it, stress over it, and plan what I was going to tell him at this appointment. I thought about how I was going to tell him that I still didn't want chemo, I thought about how if I did chemo I would wait until summer, I thought about second opinions. On Tuesday, I went to the appointment feeling good about my stance and when my doctor started talking, it all went out the window.
My doctor decided to use this thing called logic and it defeated my thinking and lack of knowledge. Basically, he said that there is a good chance there are still cancer cells in my body and it is better to kill them now while I am young and healthy rather than letting them latch onto something and grow and possibly come back at a time in my life when I am not so young and health. Hard for me to argue with that thinking.
So, I am not quite at the moving on and getting back to my pre-giant-tumor life, at least not yet, and will be entering the world of chemo. I will be having my first dose in the next two weeks (it depends on when insurance approves the referral). I will be given three different medications. On Monday I get all three and then Tuesday-Friday I get just two of them. After getting a week of infusions I get two weeks to recover before repeating it. Total I will have three weeks of infusions after which (as my doctor put it) I may not have to deal with cancer ever again.
I have had some time to think about and accept that this is the next stage in this "obstacle." It sucks, but I believe I have the support and the strength to get through it. I will be out of school on the weeks of infusions, but will be trying to work on my recovery weeks. My school and my students are being very supportive of my situation [my students tell me they are going to bring in colorful wigs and hats for me to wear when I lose my hair (and yes, I will, most likely, be losing my hair)] and want me to work as often as possible, but understand I may not feel well on some days. This has relieved some of my stress and apprehension (which I have a lot).
Through all of this I, almost daily, go through moments of feeling very unlucky and yet rather fortunate. I had a giant cancerous tumor, but it was confined to one ovary and is a very treatable type; I had to miss enough school to where I lose money every day I am not there, but I had some money saved up and can afford to miss those days; I have to have chemo, but it is only one cycle. I don't usually know what to do with these emotions but I try to embrace both. I allow myself to have mini-pity-parties, but also focus on being fortunate and think forward to when this is (hopefully/probably) just a memory. I am not always good at that; I guess that is just me being human.
So, thanks to everyone who has reached out, hung out, hiked, prayed, sent positive vibes, etc. I appreciate it all and it has really helped me stay positive. Love you all :)
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