"Just kidding, the choice is not really yours :/ "

After my last post, I had a decision to make: to chemo or not to chemo. After talking to friends and family and finding as much research as I could, I decided not to chemo. In the weeks after that, I was starting to feel better, I was getting out and hiking a little and trying to get my energy back to return to teaching. In my head, this was all behind me (at least for a while) and I was looking forward to getting back to my pre-giant-tumor life. Well, it did not work out that way.

Because my tumor is rare, was large, grew really fast, etc my doctor wanted to present it at something called "tumor board." Tumor board is where a bunch of different cancer doctors get together and discuss cases. I did not know things like this happened, I find it interesting/neat, it is my doctor getting second opinions instead of me having to. Apparently, at tumor board, all the doctors told my doctor that I should really reconsider not doing chemo. I guess they said that since my tumor was so large and it burst, sending cancer cells throughout my abdomen, it would be a mistake to not try and kill any errant cells. They convinced him enough that he called me back in to have another conversation about chemo.

I received a call on March 4 saying "you need to come in so we can revisit chemo" and we made an appointment for the following Tuesday. That gave me a weekend to think about it, stress over it, and plan what I was going to tell him at this appointment. I thought about how I was going to tell him that I still didn't want chemo, I thought about how if I did chemo I would wait until summer, I thought about second opinions. On Tuesday, I went to the appointment feeling good about my stance and when my doctor started talking, it all went out the window.

My doctor decided to use this thing called logic and it defeated my thinking and lack of knowledge. Basically, he said that there is a good chance there are still cancer cells in my body and it is better to kill them now while I am young and healthy rather than letting them latch onto something and grow and possibly come back at a time in my life when I am not so young and health. Hard for me to argue with that thinking.

So, I am not quite at the moving on and getting back to my pre-giant-tumor life, at least not yet, and will be entering the world of chemo. I will be having my first dose in the next two weeks (it depends on when insurance approves the referral). I will be given three different medications. On Monday I get all three and then Tuesday-Friday I get just two of them. After getting a week of infusions I get two weeks to recover before repeating it. Total I will have three weeks of infusions after which (as my doctor put it) I may not have to deal with cancer ever again.

I have had some time to think about and accept that this is the next stage in this "obstacle." It sucks, but I believe I have the support and the strength to get through it. I will be out of school on the weeks of infusions, but will be trying to work on my recovery weeks. My school and my students are being very supportive of my situation [my students tell me they are going to bring in colorful wigs and hats for me to wear when I lose my hair (and yes, I will, most likely, be losing my hair)] and want me to work as often as possible, but understand I may not feel well on some days. This has relieved some of my stress and apprehension (which I have a lot).

Through all of this I, almost daily, go through moments of feeling very unlucky and yet rather fortunate. I had a giant cancerous tumor, but it was confined to one ovary and is a very treatable type; I had to miss enough school to where I lose money every day I am not there, but I had some money saved up and can afford to miss those days; I have to have chemo, but it is only one cycle. I don't usually know what to do with these emotions but I try to embrace both. I allow myself to have mini-pity-parties, but also focus on being fortunate and think forward to when this is (hopefully/probably) just a memory. I am not always good at that; I guess that is just me being human.

So, thanks to everyone who has reached out, hung out, hiked, prayed, sent positive vibes, etc. I appreciate it all and it has really helped me stay positive. Love you all :)

Health Update

The not-so-short summary of my last two weeks:

As of January 31, it was unknown what was growing in my ovary and as of the afternoon of February 1, it was confirmed to be a cancerous tumor, but was also completely removed. So, by the time I knew I had cancer, I did not have it anymore. It is kind of strange and hard to process.

To be more medically specific: I had a granulosa cell ovarian tumor. Which is a rare, but very treatable type of tumor. It only makes up 2% of all ovarian cancers but has an 84-95% survival rate at 10 years. So great news on prognosis, not good news on the amount of research done.  Mine in particular was huge. It measured 30 cm (~11.8 in) at its widest part and weighed 6.8 kg (~15 lbs). This weight also happens to be the minimum weight of bikes in international bike races (Ex: Tour de France). So needless to say I had been uncomfortable before it was removed. And it had grown fast. When I had my CT scan 10 days before surgery it was under 25 cm and a month before I had no idea it was there.

Another interesting fact is that these tumors are most common in overweight, non-white women between the ages of 50 and 54. So, yeah, not me at all...

The surgery was Monday, February 1. I was pretty miserable that day and into Tuesday and Wednesday. Luckily my family was there to support and help me and I had wonderful nurses. By Thursday I was feeling significantly better, Friday they sent me home, and yesterday I had my follow-up appointment.

The follow-up was mostly really great news. Everything (besides the tumor) that the doctor had biopsied came back negative (no cancer). This is wonderful and such a relief! It means I get to keep my other ovary, my uterus and all my other organs that could have contained cancerous cells (but didn't!). The part that does not fit into the mostly good news is that part of the tumor had ruptured. It was a small part and had happened recently enough to not have spread any cancer (thus the negative results). But because it ruptured it puts me at a stage 1c cancer. For stage 1a and 1b the recommendation is to just have regular follow-up appointments to make sure the cancer has not returned. For stage 2 (one stage higher than 1c) the recommendation is chemo. For stage 1c the recommendation is to "consider" chemo. So basically that means I get to decide. It is nice to have some control over my treatment, but really, how I am to make that decision??

My doctor (who I really like and trust) gave me the most recent article published on granulosa tumors and talked me through both options (I was surprised and thankful for all the time he gave me) but said the decision needs to be mine. I have been spending the past day reading anything I can find on the tumors (there is not a lot as less common = less research) as well as the side effects of the chemo. Basically what I have concluded is the chemo sucks but works, and it just may not be necessary for me. Which is about what the doc told me in the first place.

That may be way more information than you wanted to know, but it is helpful to my processing to write it down. Now I have until Monday to make a decision about the chemo. At that point I will talk to the doctor and know more about next steps. Overall, it is really good news and my prognosis is really good (regardless of what I decide to do). So, while this whole thing has been quite shitty, I am thankful that it was not more so.

Thanks everyone for your support, vibes, prayers, texts, cards, flowers, etc. I appreciate it all and the love makes everything easier. Love you all :)

A new health challenge

Hi friends,

So it has been over two years since I have written anything here, but am back for at least a one time post. I have some information I would like you to know and I don't know a better way to get this information out to everyone, as I have, luckily never had to share such information before. So, sorry for doing it in this semi-impersonal way. 

The short story: I have a large mass on my right ovary that will be removed during my surgery at 9:30am (mtn time) on Monday, February 1st. 

The longer story: I have been having some abdominal discomfort and bloating since mid-December. I finally went to see the doctor two weeks ago and last Friday I had an ultrasound and a CT scan. They showed a large mass that appears to be growing on my right ovary. On Tuesday (January, 26 2016) I met with the gyn-oncologist who has scheduled me for surgery to have the mass removed next Monday. At this point, I do not know if it is cancer because the mass is large enough that it will need to be removed regardless of what it is (there is no point for an initial biopsy). I will know more about what it is on Monday when the mass is removed and analyzed.

So, what does that mean? At this point, it means that I will have a major surgery on Monday. It means I'll be off work for the next 4-6 weeks. It means that I am nervous and uncomfortable. It means that I would love any extra positive thoughts, prayers, love, chants, etc that you have to spare. 

I am all about the truth being out there rather than rumors. I don't mind if people know (a few more positive vibes couldn't hurt) but don't plan on making any facebook announcements. So, if you think someone would like to know, it is okay to tell them. I have sent this to you because I would want to know if you were in this situation and therefore believe the opposite is also true. Feel free to ask questions if you have any, I will hopefully be able to send out an update on Tuesday after the surgery.

I love you all and hope you are doing well. 

The Endangered Forests of Guatemala

This past weekend I had a different, eye-opening sort of adventure here in Guatemala. Two friends of mine, Paul (he was assistant principal when I taught at Mitchell) and Max (met him through Paul) are working to start an organization called RIOS Guatemala. The organization "fosters the enjoyment, preservation and restoration of Guatemala’s wild river ecosystems primarily through sponsoring responsible travel to natural areas that conserves the environment and improves the well being of the local people." (Read more here: www.riosguatemala.com) They are also hoping to build a base camp that will provide a location for education as well as adventures. There is a man (Horacio) who owns a piece of land and is looking for someone who wants to buy it, but also preserve it. So, Paul and Max invited me to explore this piece of land and see if it is the right land to start working on their dream.

On Saturday we all got together to explore the land. It is pretty amazing how much area he owns. We started the trip in the upper part of his land on horseback. On a rather unimportant side note, this trip made me realize that I am not really comfortable on a horse. I thought I was, but going up and down steep rocky trails and deepish (would have been chest deep for me) rivers taught me otherwise. Also, if you have a boney butt, and have not been on a horse in over ten years, it is probably best to not be on one for four hours! The things is, despite my nervousness and butt pain (and the bugs), I loved it. It was an amazingly beautiful area. There were places with views where we would be able to see the lake (if it weren't so smoky) as well as areas completely enclosed with trees of different types and sizes. I could just imagine running and hiking the trails or camping out under the structures Horacio had built. I don't think my photos or description does the area justice. But I left there in love with the area, wishing I had the money to buy and preserve it.

Heading out

Deep river crossing (Max was not dry by the end!)

Simpler river crossing

Ceiba tree - my favorite! 

When we finally got back to the car, we were all starving and decided to drive to the town of El Estor for lunch. On the way there, we saw the horror and destruction that could come if that area is not preserved. Areas that had been forest were now fields. Much of the land is being sold or leased out to grow sugar, African Palms (to make palm oil), rubber trees, and bananas. It was unbelievable the stark contrast from the lush forest I had been in less than an hour ago. This past December I did the same drive and don't recall seeing any of it. My mom e-mailed me today saying she remembered it as a "beautiful area." I don't think anyone can describe it that way any more.

Fields that had been cleared and are now being burned

Trees that had been dug out

To add more contrast to our day, we ate lunch at an ecohotel surrounded by lush forest, right on the lake. As we were eating, three monkeys and two iguanas (all wild) decided to make an appearance.

Monkeys in the tree at lunch

Driving through the area of destruction was even harder the second time because I really had a chance to look at it. It was no longer shock I felt, just sadness. I understand that the people who own the land want the money that comes from the products that are being grown, but I really don't get it. It is such a beautiful area, I just want to shake them and then take them to the forest and help them understand what they are doing. Not only are they destroying the trees, but are driving out the animals, not to mention that the smoke from burning the trees has created a constant haze over the country.

Empty fields and dead trees

Fields cleared to plant sugar cane

Fields of African palms with forest in the back

That night we slept on Horacio's land in a house by the lake and woke to a tree full of howler monkeys. I felt as if they showed up to tell us how important it is to preserve their land.

Marshland with crocodiles (we didn't see them) on the property

Paul and Horacio looking at the monkeys in the tree

I have no solution to this problem, nor any idea of really where to start. What Horacio is doing is amazing. He has a great relationship with the people who live near his land and they work together to preserve the forest they have. His love of trees was apparent every time he showed us a seedling that was healthy and made sure a stick was put next to it to prevent people from stepping on it. I also think that RIOS Guatemala is a fantastic idea. They can work from there to preserve rivers in the area and preserve the forest while they are at it. I wish it was all that easy, but as always, there are logistics to work out, money to be raised, etc.

I guess for me, for now, I will share what I saw. I will show my students, they will be the ones running the country someday. I will not forget what I saw. I will not eat sugar. And I will jump at any opportunity to help. Because what is happening is just not okay.  

Zone 3

This weekend I got the opportunity to spend some time in one of the poorer areas of Guatemala City. This is a rare experience, because as a "gringa" it is not usually safe to go. But a friend of mine (Annette) works for Young Life there and invited me along to a mini fundraiser they were having.

A little background information: For those of you who do not know, Guatemala City is divided into 22 zones. You know a lot about an area just by knowing the zone. I live in Zone 15 which is one of the wealthier zones and Zone 10 and 14 are the "downtown" areas, zone 1 is where the market and a lot of the older buildings are, etc.

All I knew about zone 3 was that it is where the dump is and where I don't want to accidentally end up. I had been a few times before with Annette to pick up one of the players on our soccer team, but had not really spent time there and had no real idea what it was like, until Sunday. And I still have almost no idea what it would be like to live there.

So, on Sunday Annette and I went to help out and support a fundraiser put on by some of the volunteers. Annette told me not to bring anything and just put a little money in my pocket. When we got there, however, she pulled out her big purse which contained her wallet, phone and a rather fancy camera. She explained to me that the people know her and they know Young Life and because of that they leave her alone. They know how helpful Young Life is to their community.

For the first hour or so, we just hung out, helped them set up, played soccer with a few of the kids (and got beat). But there were not may people so it was decided that they should walk around the neighborhood and "advertise" the party. Annette asked if I wanted to go.  I would be lying if I said that I was not nervous. Being two tall, blond girls, we got a lot of stares, and it was quite uncomfortable. But Annette assured me I would be okay. We walked up the street a little and then through a small opening in fencing. Behind it was a narrow cement path about the width of a normal sidewalk. On both sides of the path were walls behind which were people's homes. And by home I mean (or at least what I could see) a room or two full of people. I don't even know how to explain it. It was beyond anything I thought to imagine. I wish I could paint a better picture, or put how I felt into words.  It was overwhelming for me even though we were only walking around for about ten minutes.  

After we left the fundraiser, I asked Annette to explain more about the people living there. Here is what I understand. Everyone living there's work is related to the dump. The people who are lowest in the system work in the dump. They spend every day sifting through other people's trash attempting to find something that could be sold or reused. The lowest of these people only get to look through the trash from poor neighborhoods while others get "nicer" trash. Once they find things they either keep it and use it or sell it to middle men. The middle men are one step higher in the system. They buy the bottles, cardboard, plastic, etc. and sell it to people or places who will recycle it. The highest workers are the ones that work on the garbage trucks. They drive around the city and pick up people's trash. Again the highest get to work in nicer neighborhoods. As they are collecting the trash they go through it and find anything they think they can sell or use. So once the trash makes it to the dump, it has already been gone through once. And this is their life, working in and with trash. Nothing is wasted. There are even people who collect the leftover food from restaurants and resell it in the neighborhood. Hard to imagine.

But I think we need to imagine it. I get caught up in my pretty decent life working with wealthy kids and forget that it is not the norm. Yesterday I had trouble sleeping because I was stressed about some of my finances. But what I have to deal with is nothing compared to the people I saw and met in zone 3.

I am so glad that Annette invited me along this weekend and that I took her up on it. It really opened my eyes to what this city is like outside my little bubble. It made me appreciate what I have a lot more and makes me want to do more for those in this city that have so little. The two hours I spent there are going to stick with me for a while. They probably should.  


Here are a few photos (thanks Annette)

Their goalie, he was pretty tough!

Our intense soccer game (we lost)

Bubbles :) 

Some volunteers getting the food ready

Back to Guate - Year Two

So it has been a while since I have written. Many of you (including myself) possibly forgot that I even had a blog. Well, here we go again. So, I returned to Guatemala over a month ago psyched to be returning. I don't know if it is the country, being out on my own, being back to work, or some combination of those and other things that makes me a different person while I am here. Or at least a stronger, more productive person.

It was hard and sad to leave friends and family behind, and hard to think about the friends that would no longer be here when I returned. In fact, none of my closest friends came back. And yet, I was excited to return. And so far it has been pretty good!

Some of the highlights:

• Moving into my new place which is smaller, but vastly better than my old one 
  
  
  
• Taking a week of Spanish classes in Antigua to jump start my confidence (it worked although I need to keep working on it as I have already forgotten things I learned)

• Running a half marathon (21K to the people here) through the city. It was a new PR for me, but I think what I am most proud of is the fact that I was tired and miserable by kilometer 7 and still pushed hard enough to the end to get a PR. (I have another race (maybe 10K, maybe 21) this month as well as a trail half in October)
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• Reconnecting with the teachers who were here last year and building closer friendships with many.  
• Meeting a lot of new teachers who are fun and ready to go on adventures
• I started teaching a weekly boot camp type class (core, arms, legs) for teachers in which we work out for an hour and kick our butts. This is big for me because I rarely feel comfortable teaching anything to adults. But we have fun and I am sure I will have the buffest arms of my life pretty soon!
• I reconnected with some Guatemalans I met last year and through them found a trail running group that could be amazing. I am pretty sure I will have a lot more on this later as I have only run with them once. But they run 8-10K during the week (not every week unfortunately) and then 18-20K on weekends. And they have connections so they can run on trails in places that I would not be allowed on even if I knew where they were. They also climb volcanoes which I love.
• I read Scott Jurek's book Eat and Run and am revamping my food (more on this will probably also come in a later post).
• And my students are amazing. They are so excited to be in middle school, listen well (at least so far) and are gong-ho about just about anything (including running across a field and saying hello to flowers!). I am super excited about what we can do this year.

Also, for the next month (at least) and I going to post weekly.  I am hoping this will get me in the habit of writing more.  I think about writing a lot, but don't actually do it.  

So that is a super brief version of what I have been up to. No big adventures, but a lot of little good things going on. And I am pretty content with that :)

Devastated

I can only recall two times in my life when I have been truly devastated; one was yesterday and the other was three years ago today. Three years ago, this world lost Ryan Gosciejew. He was my boyfriend of 2+ years, the best friend I have ever had, and a sharer of my soul. Some of the best times I have had in my life were when I was sharing them with him. We, ultimately, had different images of our future when ended our relationship, but that did not lessen my sorrow, guilt, loss when he was gone. He was an amazing man. We climbed mountains together, explored caves, laughed, cried, and grew as a couple and as individuals.

When I heard of his death, I was on a 19 state road trip visiting friends and seeing the country. My instinct was to just end the trip and go home. But after talking to friends and family, I continued on. The final two friends that I visited were a blessing. I had never needed people like I did then, and I got more than I could have expected. It was nothing huge, just an ear, a chance to cry, support, and love. I received the same from other friends and family when I returned home. I had friends who shocked me with their support, advice, time, hugs. I quickly learned what an amazing community I had.

One of the many mountains we climbed together

Love this man

Every year since, on June 27th, I have tried to do something to honor Ryan. This year I had decided to spend the day in Williams' Canyon, hiking and exploring.  Williams Canyon was one of the first places Ryan and I went as we were getting to know each other and was a place Ryan loved.  Williams is home to The Cave of the Winds as well as numerous, non-public, caves.  Ryan was an active caver and even helped dig out many of the new caves they were finding in the canyon.  It is also where I can go and feel close to him. But my plan to spend the day there literally went up in flames on Saturday.

On Saturday, I was on my way to Manitou to have lunch with friends when I noticed a small amount of smoke coming from the Waldo Canyon/Williams Canyon area. We have had smaller fires near Colorado Springs before, so I just figured they would put it out and we would be okay. But that was far from what happened. The first day, the fire grew to 2,500 acres and is now up estimated at over 15,000. I don't know for sure how much of Williams' Canyon is burned, but I know it is not the canyon I learned to love as I was falling in love with Ryan. And last evening, the fire jumped the last canyon keeping it out of the city.  It burned down Flying W Ranch which had stood and entertained people for 60 years; and then it started burning homes. Some were homes of friends, other friends are still waiting to see what happens. I am devastated. It is so hard to see the city I grew up in, the city I love, burn to the ground.

Fire from Manitou about 30 mins after it had started

Fire a day later

Houses burning due to the Waldo Canyon Fire - Denver post photo

The fire exploding on Tuesday evening as winds picked up quickly - photo by Sarah Condie

Luckily my family and I are okay, as are our homes. And, all of my friends are okay, even if some of their houses are not. Once again, I am surprised by the community. I have been glued to the news, the fire scanner, facebook and twitter for much of the past two days. Through them I have seen how strong the community of Colorado Springs is, and how strong my small community of friends is. There are volunteers, donations, support for fire fighters and evacuees coming from all over the city. My guess is they will continue and grow as the fire has. And the support my friends and I have been able to give each other lets me know that I will be okay after this is all over.